


Bokuto and The Deranged Lana Del Rey ASMR Channel

by death13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Other, bokuto is a lana del rey hater
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23892799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death13/pseuds/death13
Summary: Bokuto is having trouble sleeping. Will ASMR be the remedy?
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 38





	Bokuto and The Deranged Lana Del Rey ASMR Channel

Bokuto had a long day for no particular reason other than his mood swings. He could feel a headache forming and so, the moment he set foot inside his household, he was rightfully eager to go to sleep, even if a bit early. At first, settling into bed felt enlightening and blissful but the later into the night it gets, the more irritating this process of turning and tossing around is becoming.

He sighs and reaches towards his nightstand, taking the charger's plug out of his phone. A perfect innuendo opportunity ruined by his desire for sleep, how tragic. Bokuto quickly types 'how to fall asleep' in Google, only to be informed that looking at your phone when you want to go to sleep is not a very good idea.

Great. It's like a video game and he's already failed the tutorial. WikiHow is an interesting website if not anything else, the articles ranging from 'How To Tie Your Shoes' to 'How To Cheat on Your Club Penguin Boyfriend Without Being Caught'. He's going to bookmark this one for later.

Oh, he got distracted again. Reverting to what he was looking at originally, he considers the offered alternatives. The first option is some kind of breathing exercise, however, Bokuto wants to refrain from gasping like a cat in heat in the middle of the night when his family can hear him, so this is out of the question.

The other methods offered seem just as annoying to deal with. Some even suggest changing his entire lifestyle. He's had enough of this Pinterest bullshit but continues reading regardless. Bokuto slightly regrets this endeavor, but finally, a manageable alternative comes up. 

ASMR is kind of creepy because it's a weird mix between a slightly pornographic whisper with unrealistic roleplay that makes him feel more desirable than usual. Well, this applies to the ones that involve elaborate scenarios, at least. It's worth a shot, though. Who knows? He might be so terrified that he falls asleep. 

Bokuto opens YouTube and almost deliriously starts searching. He also realizes that he could be peacefully trying to sleep instead of wasting time on his phone (Mistake #1), but he's already in too deep now. If there's such a thing as reaching the bottom, he's surely sunk lower...

_The low bottom._

Bokuto shudders as he looks through his options. Tapping cutlery doesn't sound exactly relaxing, but he won't judge. The other things vary from middle-aged men feigning being someone's boyfriend to escape the inevitable feeling of incel loneliness, to some girl gobbling a banana up-close. Disgusting.

Finally, something catches his eye. Lana Del Rey ASMR.

Her boring discography would surely put even an insomniac to sleep. _Ooh, I'm Lana Del Rey, I like rich old men with dick wrinkles and I'm so quirky_. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea. 

With a serene expression, Bokuto clicks on the video. This must be some kind of divine revelation, the universe itself has thrust this irrelevant video with a depressing amount of 38 views upon him so he can reach nirvana (shuteye). His phone lags for a bit, stalling the process, but when it does load, he's greeted by a slow melody.

Suddenly, the screen glitches and Kuroo and you, his significant other, appear on the screen?! This is just like a creepypasta and Lord God knows he looked at all that shirtless Eyeless Jack fanart when he was fourteen.

"Hi," you whisper. Lana Del Rey continues her airy ballad about infidelity in the background, but none of that matters anymore. Hashtag Lana Del Rey is over party.

"Hi," Kuroo whispers back.

"We're your girlfriend, Lana Del Rey," you introduce. But Bokuto didn't want this, he never wanted it, he didn't sign up for it.

"We just want you for your money. You're disgusting. No one wants you," Kuroo adds on.

"You're so ugly." You giggle. "And old. God, I hate old people."

"I heard that you were taking CBD but you had to stop because it gave you a sexy feeling and it just wasn't right," Kuroo accuses. Bokuto goes to type a strongly-worded comment about how that is not the case but stops himself.

"Yea. You're a sad little man," you agree with another giggle.

"We printed out your Google search history," Kuroo says. Bokuto is so scared.

You pull out a piece of paper. It looks crumbled and sneezed on. Regardless, you read in full confidence: "Guys can married a woman who she is did not she that her she when is for that and them date important why men?"

What does that even mean?

"You probably can't type because your fingers are so short and beefy. How does that feel?" Kuroo mocks.

"We might be your shy girlfriend at first, but," you start off.

Kuroo then finishes off your sentence coyly. "We won't hesitate to raid your medicine cabinet and then ghost you." He proceeds to throw a peace sign.

Bokuto can't take this anymore. He dislikes the video and goes to sleep.


End file.
